5 miles
Author: Jilligan
•6:05 AM

I think I found my way this morning along my 5 mile run. It felt good. My body did well. My legs carried me all the way. My heart and mind spoke to me. I am figuring it out. The one thing I do know both literally and figuratively, it's a long road alone. So thanks for being along for the journey.

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Lost but not the kind i want
Author: Jilligan
•6:15 AM

I have lost my way. I am still running and I am still working on my plan but I have lost the desire. I have lost the motivation. I can barely remember the reason I started.

There comes a point in your weight loss journey where the place you are at becomes good enough. The stuggle becomes harder then the battle.  I am at this point.

So many people have started to notice my weight loss and in turn noticed me. I don't feel comfortable with that. They start to say things mostly out of jealousy but its a real drag to hear their garbage. I know I shouldn't allow their feelings to project but I can't help myself sometimes.

Here is the real problem. I am at my lowest weight yet still feel like a failure at it.  I bought some new pants last night going from a size 22 to 12, not happy about that. Lost 13 pounds in the last 6 weeks, not enough. Lost 8 inches in the last month, nope not happy about that either.  See the problem. These should all be very good things but they aren't enough. And here is the reason(s), I still hate my job or really some of the people there, I am still paying a mortgage on a house that I don't live in, I am still wishing my childhood was different, and it just goes on and on. I know my sister would tell me stop whining and start living and that's what I have been trying to do since October. I just don't think I am doing it right.

I am still walking on the path but I just don't know where the path is going.

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Weekend
Author: Jilligan
•10:20 PM

Wow, the weekend went by fast even with the extra day off. Friday we had baseball games and a family meal out. Saturday a round of golf and a cookout for my daughter's birthday. Today we had church, family lunch, and egg hunt. 

I got a run in on Friday and today.  Didn't get the 5 in that was on the schedule but I will pick that up tomorrow. running is going great. Aches and pains are minor as long as I avoid carbs. If I have many carbs I really feel inflammation in my joints.  I am seeing a chiropractor 3 times a week to help with some non running related shoulder, neck, jaw issues.

Food/diet from now on will be called WOE(way of eating). We used this term with the crackin diet but I like it because I don't want to feel so limited by the term diet and the restriction it implies. I still have 20 pounds to lose but my mileage is calling for a different WOE so I will be making some adjustments over the next few weeks.

I was proud of the size of my dress today and think it could have been a size smaller. My DH looked nice in his new shirt also. Hope the pictures turn out. The kids of course always look great.

Hate to think about going back to work tomorrow but I am thankful to have a job. The economic crisis is really hurting education and I am glad we haven't seen drastic cuts in our district yet.  Big testing week for Texas students so that means stressful days for teachers and kids. Lots of reasons to pray this week. 

And somehow in all this I need to find my motivation again, my drive, my desire to be as healthy as possible. I need to find a way to prevent stumbling blocks from becoming mountains. The body is coming along and I just need to let the mind catch up.

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Beautiful
Author: Jilligan
•8:20 AM
This morning was a beautiful morning. The air was warm, the breeze was gentle, and the town was quiet. I didn't want to run. I got up, did my 1/2 mile warm up and came back to the house to see if DH was up and ready to go. He wasn't and I considered getting back in bed. I also considered the treadmill. But it was so nice outside, I didn't want to waste the opportunity to be in a calming atmosphere. It was perfect for shorts and a sweatshirt. I did get a little warm at the end but forced sweating is good for a non-sweater. I went without a phone, garmin, music, or watch. I went on a measured route so I wouldn't have to think about the time or the distance but could just think about the movement of the run. I paid attention to my breathing and my legs, to my back and my neck, to the tightness in my shoulder, and to the way I was holding my hands. I could hear my body because everything else was quiet.

Sometimes in the quiet of a run, you begin to hear things that you wouldn't have otherwise. I heard a hymn being sung. At first I thought maybe I was singing it or maybe it was being sung in my head but it was a real song. I glanced up in time to see the bicycle lady from a few days ago. She hadn't seen me so she was happily singing out loud. When she saw me, she stopped singing and I felt bad that I had interrupted her quiet morning. We both went on our way without speaking but in that non-existent conversation we spoke of the joy we both felt about being outside on a beautiful "quiet" morning. I was glad I ran this morning. I was proud that I hadn't gone back to bed. I am joyful that I was able to hear the silence of the day. I hope that peace stays with me and I hope you can find something beautiful about the day also.
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Absence makes the heart grow fonder
Author: Jilligan
•9:05 AM
Yes, I have been absent for a few days. No big surprise to most of you but I had to take a mental break. Lots of stuff going on at work, home, church, and life. The good news is that I didn't eat my way(weigh) through it. I cried a little, I talked alot, and I took a day off to spend with my husband. I have gotten all my runs in and have lost and gained the same pound all week. That pretty much sums up the week. It's over with so let's move on. Two of my kids went with my mom and step dad for the weekend to go to the lake and go camping. They love the lake and jump at the chance to go camping. I think they have fished, ridden bikes, hiked, and played cards. Sounds like they are having a great time. The oldest got left because of baseball. Today we are trying to let him have a little fun also so after his baseball game we are going to meet his girlfriend and they are going to a cook out. We got a hotel room for the evening since she lives an hour away. It will be a nice little get away for us all. Church tomorrow with friends and the girlfriend and then a nice lunch before heading home. This morning I talked my DH into going on my long run with me. We are on the same running schedule but rarely get to go together. We had 2.5 to get in last night so we tried running together. He usually runs solid while I am still doing 3/1 but he agreed to do the 3/1 with me. We stayed together for a little while but I am too slow for him so he went off during the 3 and walked back to me during the 1. It worked okay. This morning we had 4 miles to get in so I decided I could do 4/1 and if he would do 3/1 I might be able to stay closer to him and he wouldn't have to walk back. Not sure that it worked any better but I was always able to catch back up to him and then we would start again. He added some obstacles into the last mile so I actually finished ahead of him. It was nice to have someone with me even if we weren't side by side. Lots more traffic this morning and the police even spotlighted us. Maybe DH shouldn't run in all black with a black hoodie! I was in shorts even though it was only 39 degrees. We finished a little before 6:00 so I actually got to go back to bed for an hour while DH did his P90X. Now we are getting ready for baseball. Since the other two kids are gone we won't have to try to squeeze in two basketball games also. It's shaping up to to be a great day and hopefully a great weekend. Hopefully it will go far in making me forget about the stressful week. After all, it's over and life goes on.
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Chilly
Author: Jilligan
•5:57 AM

Wow, it was a little cooler then I expected this morning. Strange how 42 can feel so different at times. Probably could have toughed it out but after half mile I came back and got on the treadmill. I figured it was just as easy to do that if not easier then trying to find some tights in the dark so my DH didn't wake up. See I can be thoughtful and nice. Glad I got that out of the way before work. JK, well kind of.

Aside from the chilly air, my legs weren't in the run either. Tired, heavy, and knees were too loose.  Still need to build some more quad muscles and although I hate to admit it, I need more carbs. 6.5 months of near zero carbs has left me pretty well depleted. Problem is I have 6.5 months left of fat to get rid of. My diet is still serving me well for weight loss but it won't serve me much longer for running and definitely not for training. We'll see.

Glad to have my run in for this morning. 3 miles further done the road then I was when I got up this morning. And day 102 on MED 2011 is complete.

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Numbers
Author: Jilligan
•6:49 AM
Lots of numbers in my life right now so let's review: 4:15-get up and run to tanning place 4:30-be in tanning bed 4:50-back on the road running 4-number of miles for the day 3:1-run/walk ratio for the day 9:00 basketball 12:00 Baseball 2:30 Baseball 7:00 Basketball 18-miles to basketball game 75-miles from basketball to baseball 15-oldest son who wants to go on a date tonight 17-age of girl he wants to date 2-number of heartattacks I have had thinking about my freshman dating a junior $350,000-amount of money my school stands to lose in federal/state budget crisis 12-Number of pounds I need to lose to reach acceptable goal(not ultimate) 30-Number of times I have tried to get registered for San Antonio RNR marathon only to have website freeze 3-number of emails I have sent them about this 4-number of times I have tried to wake everyone up this morning to get going 6-number of times my husband's alarm has gone off while I have been sitting at the computer 2-number of dogs that barked at me and scared the living day lights out of me on my run this morning 0-number of cars I saw on the road this morning 2-bunnies 1-cat 1-sonic bag that I thought was a cat that was waiting to attack me, I whistled at it, clapped at it and almost turned around when it didn't move when finally my eyes adjusted enough to see what it was 184 miles I drove yesterday to watch trackmeet prelims, to meet family, back to trackmeet for finals, and then back home Lots of numbers and lots of things going on. Better get to the number 2-2nd cup of coffee to keep me going at the pace above since those are just the numbers for about 24 hours of my life! Enjoy your Saturday! Don't forget to drink your water.
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