Author: Jilligan
•6:05 AM

I think I found my way this morning along my 5 mile run. It felt good. My body did well. My legs carried me all the way. My heart and mind spoke to me. I am figuring it out. The one thing I do know both literally and figuratively, it's a long road alone. So thanks for being along for the journey.

Author: Jilligan
•6:15 AM

I have lost my way. I am still running and I am still working on my plan but I have lost the desire. I have lost the motivation. I can barely remember the reason I started.

There comes a point in your weight loss journey where the place you are at becomes good enough. The stuggle becomes harder then the battle.  I am at this point.

So many people have started to notice my weight loss and in turn noticed me. I don't feel comfortable with that. They start to say things mostly out of jealousy but its a real drag to hear their garbage. I know I shouldn't allow their feelings to project but I can't help myself sometimes.

Here is the real problem. I am at my lowest weight yet still feel like a failure at it.  I bought some new pants last night going from a size 22 to 12, not happy about that. Lost 13 pounds in the last 6 weeks, not enough. Lost 8 inches in the last month, nope not happy about that either.  See the problem. These should all be very good things but they aren't enough. And here is the reason(s), I still hate my job or really some of the people there, I am still paying a mortgage on a house that I don't live in, I am still wishing my childhood was different, and it just goes on and on. I know my sister would tell me stop whining and start living and that's what I have been trying to do since October. I just don't think I am doing it right.

I am still walking on the path but I just don't know where the path is going.

Author: Jilligan
•10:20 PM

Wow, the weekend went by fast even with the extra day off. Friday we had baseball games and a family meal out. Saturday a round of golf and a cookout for my daughter's birthday. Today we had church, family lunch, and egg hunt. 

I got a run in on Friday and today.  Didn't get the 5 in that was on the schedule but I will pick that up tomorrow. running is going great. Aches and pains are minor as long as I avoid carbs. If I have many carbs I really feel inflammation in my joints.  I am seeing a chiropractor 3 times a week to help with some non running related shoulder, neck, jaw issues.

Food/diet from now on will be called WOE(way of eating). We used this term with the crackin diet but I like it because I don't want to feel so limited by the term diet and the restriction it implies. I still have 20 pounds to lose but my mileage is calling for a different WOE so I will be making some adjustments over the next few weeks.

I was proud of the size of my dress today and think it could have been a size smaller. My DH looked nice in his new shirt also. Hope the pictures turn out. The kids of course always look great.

Hate to think about going back to work tomorrow but I am thankful to have a job. The economic crisis is really hurting education and I am glad we haven't seen drastic cuts in our district yet.  Big testing week for Texas students so that means stressful days for teachers and kids. Lots of reasons to pray this week. 

And somehow in all this I need to find my motivation again, my drive, my desire to be as healthy as possible. I need to find a way to prevent stumbling blocks from becoming mountains. The body is coming along and I just need to let the mind catch up.

Author: Jilligan
•8:20 AM
This morning was a beautiful morning. The air was warm, the breeze was gentle, and the town was quiet. I didn't want to run. I got up, did my 1/2 mile warm up and came back to the house to see if DH was up and ready to go. He wasn't and I considered getting back in bed. I also considered the treadmill. But it was so nice outside, I didn't want to waste the opportunity to be in a calming atmosphere. It was perfect for shorts and a sweatshirt. I did get a little warm at the end but forced sweating is good for a non-sweater. I went without a phone, garmin, music, or watch. I went on a measured route so I wouldn't have to think about the time or the distance but could just think about the movement of the run. I paid attention to my breathing and my legs, to my back and my neck, to the tightness in my shoulder, and to the way I was holding my hands. I could hear my body because everything else was quiet.

Sometimes in the quiet of a run, you begin to hear things that you wouldn't have otherwise. I heard a hymn being sung. At first I thought maybe I was singing it or maybe it was being sung in my head but it was a real song. I glanced up in time to see the bicycle lady from a few days ago. She hadn't seen me so she was happily singing out loud. When she saw me, she stopped singing and I felt bad that I had interrupted her quiet morning. We both went on our way without speaking but in that non-existent conversation we spoke of the joy we both felt about being outside on a beautiful "quiet" morning. I was glad I ran this morning. I was proud that I hadn't gone back to bed. I am joyful that I was able to hear the silence of the day. I hope that peace stays with me and I hope you can find something beautiful about the day also.
Author: Jilligan
•9:05 AM
Yes, I have been absent for a few days. No big surprise to most of you but I had to take a mental break. Lots of stuff going on at work, home, church, and life. The good news is that I didn't eat my way(weigh) through it. I cried a little, I talked alot, and I took a day off to spend with my husband. I have gotten all my runs in and have lost and gained the same pound all week. That pretty much sums up the week. It's over with so let's move on. Two of my kids went with my mom and step dad for the weekend to go to the lake and go camping. They love the lake and jump at the chance to go camping. I think they have fished, ridden bikes, hiked, and played cards. Sounds like they are having a great time. The oldest got left because of baseball. Today we are trying to let him have a little fun also so after his baseball game we are going to meet his girlfriend and they are going to a cook out. We got a hotel room for the evening since she lives an hour away. It will be a nice little get away for us all. Church tomorrow with friends and the girlfriend and then a nice lunch before heading home. This morning I talked my DH into going on my long run with me. We are on the same running schedule but rarely get to go together. We had 2.5 to get in last night so we tried running together. He usually runs solid while I am still doing 3/1 but he agreed to do the 3/1 with me. We stayed together for a little while but I am too slow for him so he went off during the 3 and walked back to me during the 1. It worked okay. This morning we had 4 miles to get in so I decided I could do 4/1 and if he would do 3/1 I might be able to stay closer to him and he wouldn't have to walk back. Not sure that it worked any better but I was always able to catch back up to him and then we would start again. He added some obstacles into the last mile so I actually finished ahead of him. It was nice to have someone with me even if we weren't side by side. Lots more traffic this morning and the police even spotlighted us. Maybe DH shouldn't run in all black with a black hoodie! I was in shorts even though it was only 39 degrees. We finished a little before 6:00 so I actually got to go back to bed for an hour while DH did his P90X. Now we are getting ready for baseball. Since the other two kids are gone we won't have to try to squeeze in two basketball games also. It's shaping up to to be a great day and hopefully a great weekend. Hopefully it will go far in making me forget about the stressful week. After all, it's over and life goes on.
Author: Jilligan
•5:57 AM

Wow, it was a little cooler then I expected this morning. Strange how 42 can feel so different at times. Probably could have toughed it out but after half mile I came back and got on the treadmill. I figured it was just as easy to do that if not easier then trying to find some tights in the dark so my DH didn't wake up. See I can be thoughtful and nice. Glad I got that out of the way before work. JK, well kind of.

Aside from the chilly air, my legs weren't in the run either. Tired, heavy, and knees were too loose.  Still need to build some more quad muscles and although I hate to admit it, I need more carbs. 6.5 months of near zero carbs has left me pretty well depleted. Problem is I have 6.5 months left of fat to get rid of. My diet is still serving me well for weight loss but it won't serve me much longer for running and definitely not for training. We'll see.

Glad to have my run in for this morning. 3 miles further done the road then I was when I got up this morning. And day 102 on MED 2011 is complete.

Author: Jilligan
•6:49 AM
Lots of numbers in my life right now so let's review: 4:15-get up and run to tanning place 4:30-be in tanning bed 4:50-back on the road running 4-number of miles for the day 3:1-run/walk ratio for the day 9:00 basketball 12:00 Baseball 2:30 Baseball 7:00 Basketball 18-miles to basketball game 75-miles from basketball to baseball 15-oldest son who wants to go on a date tonight 17-age of girl he wants to date 2-number of heartattacks I have had thinking about my freshman dating a junior $350,000-amount of money my school stands to lose in federal/state budget crisis 12-Number of pounds I need to lose to reach acceptable goal(not ultimate) 30-Number of times I have tried to get registered for San Antonio RNR marathon only to have website freeze 3-number of emails I have sent them about this 4-number of times I have tried to wake everyone up this morning to get going 6-number of times my husband's alarm has gone off while I have been sitting at the computer 2-number of dogs that barked at me and scared the living day lights out of me on my run this morning 0-number of cars I saw on the road this morning 2-bunnies 1-cat 1-sonic bag that I thought was a cat that was waiting to attack me, I whistled at it, clapped at it and almost turned around when it didn't move when finally my eyes adjusted enough to see what it was 184 miles I drove yesterday to watch trackmeet prelims, to meet family, back to trackmeet for finals, and then back home Lots of numbers and lots of things going on. Better get to the number 2-2nd cup of coffee to keep me going at the pace above since those are just the numbers for about 24 hours of my life! Enjoy your Saturday! Don't forget to drink your water.
Author: Jilligan
•6:42 AM
Maybe if I would have been concerned about 3 pounds here and there I wouldn't have gotten to the point where I needed to lose 70 pounds. Now a days(diet mode) I get on the scale 2-3 times a day. Other times (non-diet) I never even look at the scale. It gets dusty. Neither way seems very healthy but if I had taken note of when I was up a pound or two and done something about it right then, I would have to go to the extremes that I have been going to now. One time my mom and I were talking about a really small lady who was on a diet. I said that I couldn't believe anyone that tiny would be going on and on about a diet in front of people who were much larger then she was. My mom said she thought no matter what size you were and that lady was a 0, if your clothes got tight, you should do something about it right then. And that something is not buying the bigger size. For that lady a 0 was probably a healthy weight because of her height, for me a 0 might be anorexic. But either way, if we pay attention to the weight on the scale, whether it's 3 pounds or 70 pounds we are all doing something good for our bodies. Some of us just take longer to wake up and get busy!
Author: Jilligan
•9:09 AM
70 pounds gone. Reward tomorrow. I want this weight loss to be permanent so I have been rewarding myself with permanent things also. I am still processing the 70 pounds gone. I am still outside of the wall that I need to break through but today I can see the cracks I have made in the wall. It is crumbling ounce by ounce.

Thanks for being there when I was hungry, emotional, cranky, happy, desperate, lost, running, walking, crying, singing, and shouting. Thanks for being there when I needed you. I could have done it without your support but it sure has been helpful to have along the way.
Author: Jilligan
•5:36 AM

I have this little twinge(Sandy, a limerick please) that I am going to ignore not in a "run through the pain" sort of way but more of a "I know you are there but I am ignoring you" sort of way.

I ran outside this morning ignored twinge on curb side, however I did try to run in middle of road mostly. Twinge, I am not talking about you but if I were I might say you are more of a tracking issue then an ITB issue. Maybe even a little bit like fluid under my kneecap around my non-meniscus but we aren't talking about you, remember, Twinge.

After reading this you may still be questioning my mental state! Ha. I got a good restful night of sleep. The scale rewarded my good behavior this morning. I stayed on track yesterday with no emotional eating.

A good morning has got to translate into a good day especially if I can find somewhere to ditch this twinge. Maybe in an ice bath or maybe by the stim machine!

Author: Jilligan
•7:32 PM
Things I can do to make myself feel better include tackling a little bit of the house at a time. I need to go back and read FlyLady but I can declutter for 15 minutes and really make some progress. I can also run. I did 3 miles in my new running skirt. The waist is a little big but the hips fit great. Nothing was exposed today in this running skirt! I love the colors and I loved the boy shorts underneath with a little pocket. This was a reward for myself that I bought a little early. Besides Nike Tempo shorts it's the first piece of women's running clothes I have actually fit in and looked okay. I love this skirt! I can also eat right. Normally after a day like yesterday and today I would have gone straight to the cabinet. While I am "craving" something sweet and something salty, I haven't given in to those cravings. We have a wonderful bakery that brings fresh baked goods around in a van on Tuesday. That would have hit the spot. Since I started dieting, she hasn't called me to come out to the curb to buy from her in a while. I would have answered the call today. The girl scouts came around with some left over boxes. The caramel de-lights were calling my name. But I didn't answer. I made my dinner. I grilled my veggies. I can read a book. I got a great new book today that we are using for a book study at work. I can't remember the title but it's about sending 365 thank you notes. So far, very uplifting. I emailed an old friend. I am not much for talking in person but I love to write a good letter or email. I reached out to an old friend that I had dreamed about last night. That was a great way to deal with some emotions that I had today. See, if you were worried about me, I do have plans to deal with this depression that don't include food or self sabotage. I am working on things. Thanks for sticking with me.
Author: Jilligan
•12:45 PM
Man, I am tired of dieting. I am tired of eating the same ole food. But oh, wait, I am tired of being fat also. I guess I am just tired. I know I need to keep going down this road but I am weary. My mind and body are weak. My emotions are high. I am feeling extra sensitive to words and actions.

This is the edge of a depression I have felt before. It is a darkness that I see coming but I don't want to or can't move away from it. I don't want to function. I want to lay down. I don't want to need and I don't want to be needed. But somehow, I have to keep going. I have to keep getting up. I have to keep moving.

I can't let this "weight" be the wall I can't break through. I can't be satisfied with this plateau. I can't let this be good enough. I deserve and some part of me, wants more. So yes, the darkness is there but I aware of it.

I can conquer this because what I fail to conquer will eventually conquer me.
Author: Jilligan
•12:17 PM
There is no place better then the internet to broadcast your stupidity. Luckily for me, few people admittedly read my blog! Yesterday I started a little reward for not drinking diet soda (okay, as much diet soda). I used to buy several a day and got to thinking about how much money that was costing. Just digging for change in my purse didn't hit me hard enough. So anyway, I figured if I wasn't spending the money on them then I could afford to reward myself with a month of tanning. I have always tanned easily so one month will be a great way to get me started. Besides tanned fat/stretch marks looks much better then white fat. Trust me on that one. So I also wanted to incorporate it into my morning runs. I could run to the place, tan for 30, and then finish my run. I am terrible about giving myself time to warm up so I thought the tanning might also help my body wake up and warm up. So I get to the place around 4:45 am. Unlock with the special code, go in looking for instructions on the bed, etc. Nothing. Okay, I have done this before and I can figure it out. Get ready, green button must mean start. Bed comes on, music is playing. Now it's my first time to tan in bed in 7 years or so. I am only going to stay 10 minutes the first time so I don't get burned. Timer is set for 15 so I will just watch it. At 8 minutes I can't tell much and at 13 minutes I was getting out, turning the bed off, and getting dressed. I had thought I had heard someone trying to come in the door but I had triple locked it so no worries. As I leave the place, I nearly run into a woman who was trying again to get in. She said her appointment was at 5:00. So was mine. She had been tanning for 2 months at 5:00 and I had an email from the owner saying 5:00 was alright for me. Oh well, we can work that out. Fast forward...when I got home my elbow was really red in a circle and hurting. I thought I had laid funny. I get to work and JoJo asked me how long I stayed so I tell her about the 15 minute timer and the lack of instructions. She asks if it could have been a super bed that only requires 15 minutes. How would I know? I turn my arms over to see if I can tell anything. HELLO!!!!! Imagine the reddest thing you can think of, now double it, again, and that's the color of the inside of my arms. As you can imagine, my entire body proceeded to turn that red as the day wore on. So turns out on my first time to tan in 7+ years I stayed 13 minutes in a 15 minute super bed. Feel free to cry for my pain or my stupidity, either one. I tried every home remedy I could find. I bathed in vinegar, epsom salt, used aloe vera straight from the plant, sprays, lotions, aspirin, and this morning mentholatum. I slept in the dry bathtub against the tile which was okay unless you had to move. I was burned this bad in college once and actually went to the dr for it. I had to wear saran wrap instead of a bra for a week with this nasty black lotion. Ugh but oh what I would give for some of that now. That time I was diagnosed with 2nd degree burns. I don't think I am quite that bad yet but we will see when the blisters form. Well, stupidity and stubborn shouldn't mix but they do sometimes. I had 4 miles scheduled for today (yes, I double checked). I knew I couldn't get a bra on. I knew the water blisters would be bad. I knew the underwear in my running shorts would chafe. Those were the smart things I knew. The stupid in me, said you better run or you will get behind and you won't do it if you put it off, and you don't have anyone to take care of this morning so get going, and things like that. Well, you know what I listened to-the stupid and I got my 4 miles in. I slathered mentholatum all over. I slid into my running shorts and sports bra. I got on the treadmill in case I passed out from the pain I wanted to make it easy for them to find my body. And it did it. The results of my stupidity remain to be seen. Off to have lunch with my middle son. We are the only ones home today due to an away baseball game of the oldest, a birthday party for the youngest and weekend at Grammy's, and a basketball game for the middle. Hope the air conditioning is going where ever he wants to go eat.