Author: Jilligan
•7:44 PM

There is nothing in the house that I want to eat that is acceptable. There are some things in the house that I want to eat that are not acceptable.  Two of the kids ate earlier but one wanted two of my favorite things and asked me to cook them, crispy chicken and tator tots-fried.  So I did and somehow the smell and sound of the food frying changed my desire to have my grilled chicken and green beans. Luckily my hubby, who was working late, walked in right when I had fried 5 tator tots just right.

I don't know what is crazier. The pull this food has over me or the downward spiral that those 5 little tator tots would cause. A mere 150 calories of potato that would have cost me so much.  So for now I resisted but the tots are still calling me. And I haven't eaten my planned meal yet.

So here are my choices: eat the planned meal and be proud that I did but knowing that I am going to fill that unsatisfied, emptiness. Or I could eat off plan which would cause me to be angry and it would show on the scale. Another choose would be to just go to bed but then I would be way short on calories today and really hungry tomorrow. I could go to the store and get something on plan just different but as "hungry" as I feel, I can't go to the store.

I am not sure what I will do. I have eaten on plan all week. I have been rewarded for my effort. I want to continue on this journey. I want to make the right choices.

Author: Jilligan
•5:43 PM

Somedays you just don't matter.

Author: Jilligan
•8:37 AM
I managed to stay on the right track another day. I was rewarded by my "friend" the scale. I felt really good about my choices yesterday because ordinarily a day like that would have driven me straight to Leal's chips and more. I stayed on plan and had a good dinner. I watched a little t.v. and went to be early. That was a good thing because after 2:00 insomnia hit me and sleep was sporadic at best from that point on. All things considered, I feel pretty good today and am already going strong.

Have a great one and drink you water. Oh, by the way, today is day 26 of the streak.
Author: Jilligan
•1:06 PM

I just ate lunch but I am not satisfied. That is not the same as not being full. I ate plenty to be full and should therefore be satisfied. But I am not. If only I knew what would make me feel satisfied.

Author: Jilligan
•8:40 AM
My new plan that includes food police is paying off. Back on track with my weight and I think I will hit the goal I set for January and February (yes, I am ahead of schedule). Yesterday was good so I will work off of that success to continue on today.

I am also having my new tea today. The smell and taste remind me of a store we used to go to at Christmas, Holland Gardens. The aroma reminds me of the Christmas trees decorated just so and the cinnamon, oranges, and other smells that went along with the touring of the year's trees.

It's funny how smells, sights, and sounds trigger memories.
Author: Jilligan
•5:22 PM
Today has been a better day. Urges to eat are under control, hunger is at an okay level. Of course, it is always easier when I am stuck at work with no option of having or getting food. Sure I could leave and get something but then everyone in my office would know I was binge eating. I had my morning snack on schedule. I had my planned lunch. I ate my afternoon snack when I was hungry again. I drank my water. I think I am doing okay today.

My DS has a basketball game so the streaking will be late tonight. I thought about walking at lunch but had a meeting that went a little long plus the wind is out of control. Thought part of the roof blew off earlier.

My dear friend made a special supper for me to eat on the road that is diet safe. So I think I will make it through today without a food issue. One day at a time is good for now. Once this day is successfully behind me, I can work on tomorrow.
Author: Jilligan
•10:02 AM

This morning I asked my DH to intervene. Yesterday at lunch he said, "Are you supposed to have that on your salad?" And I said,"Yes, I am going to try it and see what it does to my weight."

I knew what that one bite of cheese might do but I wanted it. I also didn't want someone telling me what to do or what to eat. I wanted to be in charge of myself and my own food.

But no matter how much I lie about the food in my day, the scale always tells me the truth. And the truth today was a gain of .6 pounds. Some of you may not think that's much but it's a set back for me. Especially when it was a dab of salad dressing and a pinch of cheese that caused it.

My diet right now is very limited. A list of just a few foods. My DH knows the list, my kids know the list, even the people at my work know the list.

So getting to the reason that it may cause a divorce. I have asked my DH and I ask all of you, if you see me eating something that is not on my list, please ask me to quit lying to myself. I may hate it and it may make me mad but it's what I think I need.

Author: Jilligan
•7:49 PM

This is a struggle. It's more then what it seems. If you have never had a problem with weight, you can't understand. It's not the hunger. It's not a lack of will power or desire. It's not about cravings. I don't even think it's really even about addiction. Of course if I knew what it was about, not only could I help myself but I could help others.

Things go along great and then it hits. I had a great number on the scale this morning. I am exercising again. My clothes are falling off. But then something changes...the food will be in my mouth before I know it. I will look around to see if anyone is watching. I will look for something else to eat. If I start with salty then I will need sweet but if I start with sweet then it doesn't satisfy. It's a rushed eating. There is no reason for it. There is no craving. There is no need.

I can't understand this "disease" and I have to deal with this fight every minute of everyday. It never leaves my thoughts. In this way, it is similar to an addiction.  Tonight I have made it through another battle.  This blog is my coping mechanism tonight. I will not give in to the overwhelming desire to eat.

Author: Jilligan
•9:48 PM

I had put off the mile as long as possible. Just a stressful day that I would rather end with a brownie instead of a mile.

But my son got home before I could eat the brownie and before I could fake the mile!

So here is the thought process: I could sneak the brownie out with me and I could just sit in the car. I could change clothes and just let the treadmill run. I could say I walked at lunch.

I got up and walked to the bathroom and decided to get on the scale. If I liked the weight, I would walk. If not, I get the brownie.

I liked the weight and I really enjoyed the walk. Thanks for making me accountable.

Author: Jilligan
•8:18 AM
It's January 18th and the streak is alive. Some days it has been dicey but I am still going. TJ is right there with me. He is diligent about it and we have motivated each other to stay with it. I think we have a few more streakers still with us but for the most part, they are gone. I don't think there is ever a wrong time to start a streak though. Just because we started at the first of the year, doesn't mean you can't start today. Who knows, in the end, you may outlast me.

I am to the point where I will have to buy new pants. I thought I could make it a few more weeks so that I wouldn't have to buy a size in between. This past weekend, I could take my jeans off without unbuttoning them. Today, I could fit Kallie in my pants with me. No amount of safety pins or belts will help that. Have to do something about it soon. Like tonight!

Weight is not coming off as quickly this round but it is still coming off. I know the whole speech so don't give it to me now. I also know patience is a virtue. Blah, blah, yadda, yadda. I am sticking with it. Don't worry. Just when I think I want to give up, I see something that reminds me why I am on this journey.

Thanks for listening. Now get up and get some water.
Author: Jilligan
•9:31 PM
I forgot to post the 50 pounds gone post so I little late but still wanted you to know. Also, still streaking. 14 days in a row. Same days have been harder then others but it always feels great when I am done.

I don't have time to post much more. Lots of things are going on around here as always.
Author: Jilligan
•7:24 PM
I don't really know who reads my blog anymore. Occasionally I get a comment on the blog or an email about it but you never know who is stalker. Anyway, some things have happened this past week that have made me stop and think about my own life. I want to write about the feelings I am having but am afraid I might hurt someone's feelings. Even though it would mend my feelings, it isn't worth the hurt it might cause.

I just want to say, I am very sorry about the death of a father, a fellow co-worker who passed away after a long battle with leukemia. This was a welcomed death to this man. Although it saddens his family, he has been suffering for a long time and was ready to die. On the other hand, my brother in law lost his father unexpectedly. One minute he was alive and the next minute he was gone. This death was not welcomed, not anticipated, not wanted but it came anyway. My brother in law's life will greatly be affected by this death. In the immediate, it is heartbreaking and emotionally and in the long term, who knows how his father's death will impact him.

We have all dealt with death. It seems like only yesterday when we were in the ER waiting news about my grandmother after the accident. And it seems like not long before that we were trying to keep my grandfather alive. I miss them both so much. Their deaths greatly affected my life.

I know I am rambling but I am trying to gather my thoughts as I type. These recent deaths have made me consider the people in my life and the impact their death might have on it. Some would cause heartbreak, some despair, some loneliness, and some well, maybe my life wouldn't change at all. That's the sad part to me. People in my life who should play an important if not major part. People in my children's lives who should play an important part. How would our lives be changed if death suddenly became a part of it?

We never know when death will take us. But we do know that we have the time right now to impact another person's life. Is there someone's life you need to impact? Will anyone grieve when you are gone?
Author: Jilligan
•10:24 AM

My last post suddenly got sent in the middle of a sentence.

So to finish my thought...I will get to the top of this mountain and then start to climb the next one.

Author: Jilligan
•10:22 AM

Sometimes when you are climbing a mountain, you stumble. Sometimes you even lose ground. That doesn't mean you won't reach the top. It just means it's going to take a little longer to get

Author: Jilligan
•9:40 AM
"Running is not, as it so often seems only about what you did in your last race or about how many miles you ran last wee. It is an a much more important way, about community, about appreciating all the miles run by other runners, too." -Richard

I really do appreciate all the miles everyone has put in this week. TJ got his done late last night after debating whether or not to just do two today and call it good. Proud of everyone's commitment to this challenge called life.
Author: Jilligan
•10:07 AM
At last count, there were 10 streakers. MED 2011 is alive and "running". Remember it's never too late to begin a streak. Start today, it only takes a mile at a time.
Author: Jilligan
•8:14 PM
Wow, who knew when MA challenged me to become a streaker that so many other people would join. Of course, I can't let MA beat me. I just wish we were able to run together. And then there's my DH, it's personal and I can't lose that one. Then what's become the old ladies against the young, which is really just one generation of cousins battling another with a few aunts and friends thrown in. Then T.J. joined for a family challenge. So it's become something big and something I look forward to.

It's not just about streaking. It's not just about the mile. It's not about the competition. It's about all of that and more. It's also about the feeling of accomplishing something daily. It's about the feeling you get from doing something good for your body. It's about the friendly banter between the participants. It's about the occasional falls. It's about the stray dogs. Down the road, I bet it will include some shared miles, lots of shared laughs, and a healthy habit for us all if we are up to the challenge.

Once when something very scary had happened to MA I asked her if she wanted to start running with me. Who knows why she said yes? Maybe it was to take her mind off of what she had been through. Maybe it was to prove she was strong again. Whatever the reason, she saved me when she said yes. I needed to run. I needed to know that each morning someone would be waiting on me, rain or shine, warm or cold, long or short. There were lots of hard days that first year as there will be with this challenge. We started running around the pond 1/4 mile at a time. We made it through lots of things by running or at least I did.

Once again MA saved me through running. She issued this challenge to me. She knew I would hate to lose. She knew I wanted to start running again to prepare for a 1/2 marathon. Even though miles separate us know, miles will also bring us back together. The miles will bring us all together. I thank her and I thank you all.

MED 2011, see you down the road.
Author: Jilligan
•10:04 PM

I have accepted a challenge, to become a streaker. My challenger knows I can't refuse a challenge. That's okay because my desire to outlast will keep her motivated also.

So the challenge is to complete a mile every day. Ideally it should be run but since everyone is at a different fitness level, I am saying complete instead of run.

Stealing part of another blogger's idea, I am naming this the MED2011 challenge, Mile Every Day in 2011. Are you in?

Author: Jilligan
•7:39 PM
What a great way to start the new year. A day of a whole lot of nothing. We had a nice chili left from last night and we threw in some left over steak to make another meal out of it. Then tonight we added more hamburger meat and some sausage. Great. Lots of football, family, and a nice long nap. Of course I am behind again on laundry and a little house work but the day of relaxing was worth it.

1/2 marathon training starts tomorrow. Wish me luck. Taking it slow and really building some base this year. Avoiding injury and gaining strength are part of the plan. It also helps being 45 pounds lighter to start out. Can't wait until May to see what it will feel like at hopefully 100 pounds lighter.