Author: Jilligan
•9:30 AM
I heart my scale this morning. We are BFFs. Even after yesterday's two meals out, not enough water, one nutter butter, cheese, and a few pretzels, I was still down this morning. Whew, close one! I am still behind a day of running this week and need to get 2 miles in today. We are in a blowing dirt advisory with promised gusts of 65 mph so I won't be going outside. Date with the dreadmill for later tonight looks promising.

My sister is in town so we had great family time yesterday. We started at 8:45 with basketball pictures. Then my daughter had her first basketball game. Hilarious. Then back home for lunch with the family and on to a double header of baseball. Back to the gym that afternoon for two more games of basketball. It was an eventful day. Kallie's first game and she did great. Trevor's first varsity baseball games and he actually got to pitch. TJ's team killed their opponents in basketball. One game was 48 to 2 and our kids tried not to score the whole 2nd half because they felt so sorry for the other team. Then we came back home for another family meal. We were lucky to have played one of my old high school friend's son yesterday so their whole family went also. We had to have 4 table to seat everyone and ended up with 27 for dinner. The kids (and the adults) were so excited to spend the extra time together and there was lots of laughter from every table.

I feel so blessed to have days like yesterday. I got up early and did something for myself. I am blessed with three wonderful kids who work hard at everything they do. I am thankful to have family that wants to spend time together. And I am lucky to have friends surrounding us as well.

About to head out for another day of family. Church, lunch, and a nice afternoon with people I care about. Hope you have a great day also.
Author: Jilligan
•7:14 AM
Another good thing about running with Kallie last weekend was that I improved my time today by 14 minutes. That pretty good considering it was just a three mile run! Ha, of course, I didn't get to stop this time to take pictures by the library or buy water at the store or scratch the pigs back. Today it was just me, the dreadmill, and my music. After my son's track meet last night, I was having a little ear pain so I didn't want to get back in the cold this morning.

Another good thing about running on the dreadmill is the bathroom because a bathroom break was in order about half way in.

Another good thing about running in the house is that I had to be everyone's alarm clock this morning. We have basketball x3 and baseball x2, basketball pictures plus pigs to feed and a haircut. Think we have a free minute around 11:30 tonight.

Another good thing about running is the amount of calories I just burned. I know my dreadmill might exaggerate at times about my calorie burn but I sure did like what he had to say this morning.

Another good thing about running are the sights you see. This morning I watched the sun rise through my back window. I watched the dogs play keep away with an old soccer ball. I tapped on the window and then watched as they stared at me trying to figure out how I was running towards them but never getting any closer.

Another good thing about running in the morning is that I can have my first cup off coffee all by myself while I reflect on how good finishing my workout for the day feels.

Another good thing about running is the ability to run. The other night after I posted, one of my best friends and her mom were in a car wreck. Her mom is older and has Alzheimer's. Her leg and ankle were broken. Her lung collapsed before they could do surgery. After finally getting to the surgery last night they found other breaks that hadn't shown up on the first xray. So this morning I am thankful for the ability to run.

Another good thing about running is that somewhere, someday, I may see you on the road.
Author: Jilligan
•6:02 PM
I was up on the scale.

I was out of coffee.

I got in a dress that was a lot smaller.

I had to go to a funeral for a 7 month old baby.

I had to help serve lunch for funeral.

I resisted dessert at funeral meal.

I resisted the girl scout cookies someone left on the counter.

I didn't stop on the way home for another diet soda.

I wore panty hose today and heels.

I am home with my healthy family.

I have no plans for the evening but my MED.

I would like to clean house not because I like to clean house but because I need to clean house.

I supported a friend today.

I had to take 1/2 a day off of work.

I had an old friend involved in a head on wreck with a semi today walk away with whiplash.

I drove to New Mexico to pick up my daughter who had been sick and staying with Grammy.

I drove 150 miles today.

Except for this morning, my mind has been too preoccupied to think about food. In the past, this kind of nothing happening day would have sent me into a "let's go out to eat and binge because it's easier" sort of mode. I am sad and blue about today but I am not going to let those feelings affect the progress I have made on this journey. I will be comforted by my family tonight and not by food. I will reward my body with a nice long walk instead of carbs. I will feel good tomorrow when I wake up because I will know that I did the best I could for myself today.
Author: Jilligan
•6:57 PM

After sitting in a long all day meeting I had to go to the funeral home. My friend's 7 month old grandbaby passed away yesterday. She had never been able to leave the hospital since she was born. They have driven 45 miles one way every day to spend a few hours with her. And then drove 45 miles home every night without her. She was learning to do things babies do. She was able to spend a few minutes each day in a swing or being held. She could only take a few ccs of a bottle at a time. She could make noises around her trach tube that sounded like hi. She was learning patty cake. She weighed only 9 pounds.

She got a form of pnemonia that she had already beaten once. This time her lungs weren't strong enough and the medicine couldn't help. She fought for 5 days but couldn't hang on. She didn't suffer because she was sedated. A type of sedation that left her temporarily paralyzed. No, she didn't suffer but her family sure has.

Her medical bills are over 1 billion dollars, unimaginable. Her funeral, $4500, unavoidable. Her absence, unbearable.

This has made me grateful for my healthy children. Sure, they have minor things ever now and again but it's all just part of life. They are growing up and doing so many things. I am so thankful to have had them in my life. I hope they continue to impact people in a positive way. I pray that they continue to live as Christians and stay strong in their faith.

I close this with a grateful but heavy heart.

Author: Jilligan
•7:06 PM
Tonight I sold my grandma's car. I bought it after she passed away. I have put 60,000 miles on it in the years that I have had it. Double what she had put on it the whole time she had it. It was a 1992 Buick Park Avenue. I think she got it the year I was a senior. The kids fondly referred to it as the "Granny Panny" It needed shocks and paint. It needed an oil change and a tune up. We had replaced the battery twice because it had a cooling fan that would run at times when it didn't need to and run the battery down. It had a cassette deck. The a/c buttons were worn down because she would use her fingernail to change the temperature. Every once in awhile, you could still smell her when you got in the car. It was one of those cars with plenty of leg room in the back seat.

As my grandad struggled with Alzheimer's he must have had an obsession with cigarette lighters because there were 6 in the ash tray. There was also Pepto Bismol in the glove box and a fuzzy gloved window scraper.

I was lucky to get it after she passed away because my car was in the shop (a vw bug that was in the shop more then out). Things had started happening that made me decide to sell. The most recent and the funniest was during the last snow storm. I had been telling my husband that cold air was blowing on me from somewhere every time I drove. Of course, he couldn't ever feel it. One morning there was a little snow left on the window and hood. A semi was coming towards me on the road. As he passed me, snow literally flew in my face. It was like on tv where someone gets splashed while standing on the curb. At first I didn't believe it and thought I was imagining it. Then it happened again. Of course my husband's concern extended into a laughing fit.

The other funny thing that happened was a while back when we were going to my son's basketball game. We pulled up to park, turned the key off, got out of the car only to discover it was still running. Yes, keys were in my hand and I was standing outside of the car. My husband had to show me how to use a tool under the hood to turn it off.

The price was right on the car when we bought it and repairs have been humorous and minimal. Forgot to mention the trip to OKC. It served it purpose both to my grandma and to me. Now it will serve it's purpose to another family. My son is excited because this means his pickup will have to get fixed. My middle son is excited because the "granny panny" will no longer be a part of his drop off/pick up routine at jr high. My daughter was crying because she misses her grandma so much. (She is very sentimental. A song at church last week made her cry because it reminded her of her dog.)

Good bye Park Avenue. Hello ______?
Author: Jilligan
•9:29 AM

Yesterday's long run was only 3 miles but it was so much more then that. My DD has been begging to go to the library. I casually mentioned that it was only a mile away from the house. Fast forward to yesterday morning when I had planned on sleeping in a little. 7:07 brings a knock on the bedroom door and it"s DD with a great idea. We can run to the library and get her books. She is going to get dressed and for me to hurry up. I wasn't sure if the library was open on Saturday but I was pretty sure it wasn't open at 7 in the morning!

We stalled until 8. Not knowing how she would do running I wasn't sure how long the first mile would take. She is a very, umm, distracted runner. She sees and wants to talk about EVERYTHING. I gave her an old watch to wear, put our road ids on and she wore a spibelt with the phone. We also had to take a backpack for the books. And off we went.

We ran by the new pool, the old tennis courts, the pond, up our first hill, by the elementary school and made it to the library. It was closed on Saturday. There went her interest in the running. We were a mile from home and two miles from finishing.

The boys were working on the pig pens at the ag farm so I convinced her to head that direction and she could go with her dad. She had taken some money so we ran through a store for a bathroom break and water. Then headed to the pig pens. The 2nd mile was by far the slowest. But we finally made it to the boys. We talked to them a little. I had another mile to go and was anxious to get started again. She decided to finish the 3 miles with me.

We left the ag farm, crossed the railroad tracks and the highway, behind the grocery store and it was at this point she thought a detour through mcdonalds would be good. NOT happening. We went back to the park trail to finish and got our 3 in a block from the house. Pretty good planning for the distance. It took us awhile but we accomplished a lot.

She is a character. About 5 minutes in, she stops and shouts, "Wait, not only are we doing something good for ourselves we are doing something good for the planet." Later she tells me not to worry about how much faster the cars are going then us because eventually we all get where we are going. I was talking to her about running against or with traffic, intersections, and single file running. She says, "You sure can learn a lot while you are running. Just so many lessons."

My cousin once said she didn't believe kids would say things this. But this girl, she's a talker.

I had a little wardrobe malfunction. My running skirt wouldn't stay up. I had to hold it up the whole time. She was hoping I didn't embarass her by letting my skirt fall down in the middle of the road in front of the whole town. Me too, Kallie. Me too.

Author: Jilligan
•10:41 AM
Just a few days ago we were freezing, today it promises to be 75 or better. Aside from a little wind, the weather is perfect. Marathon training has commenced and muscles are being use. Streaking is going strong. Weight is moving out.

I had to leave my rings at home today because they kept slipping off. I am going shopping tomorrow for some new pants. I am feeling good about my health.

Air was a little cold last night when I finally got around to running. That has caused me to have a little problem with asthma today. Gotta get my lungs back in shape along with everything else. I am really enjoying all the planning and prep that goes into a running plan. I just have to stay motivated about the work that goes into it also.

Early out for school today so I hope to get my MED done in the bright sunshine.

So happy.
Author: Jilligan
•5:42 PM

Somehow three weeks of my daughter's basketball season has passed and I haven't had to watch a practice yet. Today I wasn't so lucky. Having taught elementary physical education for years is not helping me sit through this without feeling tortured. Some might say I should get up and help instead of just being a tortured bystander but I didn't sign up for that.

Another problem with the whole idea is genetic. It is at times a terrible thing to think or feel like you are better at things then other people. This, however, is the nature of our family. We are supposed to be smarter, more talented, more athletic and just overall superior. I can't stand this feeling and it gets in the way a lot. Sometimes more then others like when dealing with someone who was missing the day brains were handed out. I just can't stand stupidity. I am working on it but I can't hardly take more then a few minutes. I am in overload right now. Complete and total stupidity overload and it has a screechy voice on top of that.

So to keep me from physically hurting someone I will attend as few practices as possible. When made to attend I will occupy myself with other things.  I can do anything for an hour and only because my daughter loves it so much. I will not think about the hour I am wasting. I will not think about the important things I could be doing, like my workout. Ugh. 18 more minutes to go.

Author: Jilligan
•10:17 AM
Wow, it's hard to believe we are that close to have 50 days of streaking. I am loving the accountability and learning to love running again. Knees have been sore the last few days. Probably a shoe issue. I ordered new ones but they haven't been shipped yet. Looked yesterday but didn't have much time to try on. Thought about getting another pair because you can never have too many "running" shoes.

Weight loss is still going in the right direction. Almost brave enough to wear shorts outside to run but really need to tone up these legs a little more. Maybe by spring break.

Keep moving everyone. Headed out to fill up my water bottle.
Author: Jilligan
•8:20 AM
Today my office is empty except for me. It will be a nice day in the office. Relaxing and mellow.
Author: Jilligan
•9:07 AM
I got up early this morning because one of my kids was going to spend the day with his Grammy. We decided to meet half way early this morning so they could go watch two cousins play in a basketball tournament. I had made the same drive the night before because my daughter was going to spend the weekend with another cousin. I had made a pot of coffee before I left knowing it would be waiting for me when I got back. My oldest son had spent the night with a friend and my husband had asked (read begged) me to let him sleep late. I thought to myself this was the perfect time to catch up on blog reading, drink a little coffee, write a little blog but mainly have some silence. That is after I yelled at the dogs to stop barking at the birds who also need to SHUT UP.

Then I got the text, DD is throwing up and what can they give her. Literally, I had just sat down at the computer after taking my son half way to where my daughter was. As a mother, I knew I should get back in the car and go get her. As a selfish person, I thought please just let it be drainage and something she can get over with one dose of a miracle medicine. My dear sweet cousin texted back and said DD thought she would be okay. Fingers crossed, breath held, prayers sent, whatever it takes for her to be okay and me to have my moment(s) of silence (with barking) today. I haven't heard back in a few minutes so I am taking that as a good sign but maybe I better go fill up the gas tank just in case I am burning up the roads between here and New Mexico later today.

I do really appreciate that all the kids are able to spend some time with their friends this weekend and that I am able to spend some time with myself. Oh, and with my husband if he ever gets out of bed.
Author: Jilligan
•12:33 PM
Stressful things usually lead to stress eating. Work has been crazy and stressful but I have done well to control my eating. I have stuck to my plan and dealt with things head on instead of trying to self medicate with food.

I had my evaluation at work last night. We didn't go into closed session until 11:00. I was done shortly after midnight and then had to drive home. As tired as I was, I had to decompress a little before getting into bed. Thank goodness DH had waited up for me so I didn't have to go it alone. I have some ideas about somethings that I want to happen. We will see how that all goes.

Being the worrier that I am, another blog struck a chord with me this week. I can't remember who wrote it and don't have time to search it out but wanted to share the basic idea. I am terrible about "what ifs" that probably will never happen. I do this constantly though out the day. You know, "What if I can't lose anymore weight?" or "What if I can't stop from eating the cookies?" or "What if my DH suddenly decides he is tired of me?" or "What if they fire me?", etc. Nothing positive and no reason for the questions. I just get started on something and can't shut my mind up. Anyway, back to the blog, the writer had said that when she started to do the "what ifs" then she would answer with a "what then" For example, "What if I eat the cookie, what then?" I have been trying it and it does eventually calm me some. Try it and see if it helps you.

As for now, my lunch is almost over and I have to watch a webinar that quite possible could cause me to fall asleep considering I am functioning on little to no sleep. I hope I am not drooling when the camera pans the room.
Author: Jilligan
•5:11 PM
"If you've ever been fat, you will either be fat for the rest of your life or you will worry about being fat for the rest of your life." I read this quote in an article today titled The Thin Line -The Memory of Being Fat never Subsides-Even After You Become Fit.

In a way I see the truth behind the quote but think it goes deeper then that. I have been in both of these situations so it really struck a chord with me. When I am engrossed in dieting, it's all I can think about. When I get tired of dieting and let myself go, I don't really think about dieting all the time or even about being fat. I just go numb in all aspects of my life. So maybe that's why the quote rang true with me.

"If you've ever been fat, you will either be fat for the rest of your life (the times in my life when I let my weight go and didn't care about my health, my fitness, or the garbage I was putting into my body) or you will worry about being fat for the rest of your life." (the stage I am in now)

No, I am not where I want to be and I am far from being finished with dieting or weight loss. And it is all I think about. I weigh in the morning. I weigh after going to the bathroom. I weigh at lunch. I weigh at night. I go to bed thinking about food/dieting/exercise/water and I wake up thinking about food/dieting/exercise/water and I spend most of the day thinking about food/dieting/exercise/water. It's replacing one obsession with another. It's one compulsive behavior taking the place of a different one. And then I get tired of it and start slipping. A little extra here and there with my food. A little less exercise. A little less water and a little more diet soda. It just goes on and on.

I am to the point now where lots of people are noticing my weight loss. They comment on it. They want to try my magic diet. They want to exercise with me. They want to know my secrets. This reminds me of another quote that I like, "Anyone who treats you differently because you have lost weight isn't worth your time."

But back to the original quote. I am not worried about the memory of being fat. I am worried about losing that memory. Because I think once I lose that memory I forget everything about why I wanted to lose the weight and become healthy. I will instead embrace those memories. Work through those memories. Learn to feel comfortable with those memories. And while worrying isn't always a positive thing, I do think I will allow myself to worry about being fat. Because I never want to be fat again.
Author: Jilligan
•9:51 AM
Well my little binge cost me a few pounds but I have lost them again plus some. Back on track and feeling better. Thanks for your thoughts and concern. Keep me honest.
Author: Jilligan
•11:28 AM
Warning: This post contains information about me seriously going off track.

So after a great day Saturday and finally having the ability to use something other then food for comfort, I found out I wasn't "cured" on Sunday.

A storm caused us to turn around on our way to church. So I lost the accountability from that part of the family. The same storm caused my husband to have to go out to work so I lost the accountability from that man. My daughter got caught up in tv so as long as I wasn't eating that, she didn't notice what I was doing. The boys never notice what I am doing. So I was alone with my thoughts and my food.

Some of you who don't have problems with addiction or food or weight may never understand what I am writing and the feelings that caused me to do what I did...Lucky you.

So it starts with:

Breakfast burrito-instantly sick on tortilla, cheese, and grease-thought I was going to die but continued binge later.
Cookie dough-3 frozen cookies
Chilli (which was okay) but added cheese and fritos-too much, gave it to daughter
Girl scout cookies-5
Ritz crackers with cheese
snow ice cream with dt coke for a coke float-gave this away also-too much sugar
Cookie dough-3 more frozen cookies
3 small pickles
Chilli with cheese and more crackers

Overall not really a whole lot of calories but lots of carbs, carbs, carbs. I had a headache, I was sick to my stomach, I wanted to throw up, but I kept on eating.

I still have the leftover carb headache. I am still sick to my stomach. I was up 2.6 pounds this morning. I feel like a cheater. I feel like a liar. I feel like a disappointment.

But life goes on. I am not going to lie about what I ate. I am going to continue to work on the whys and get through this.

I just wish I could wrap up this stomach pain and this headache and next time I want to binge, just eat them instead. Same result without all the calories.
Author: Jilligan
•7:55 PM
Two times in one day, what? Lots of thoughts going on in my head so that requires two bouts of cardio and two entries on the blog.

Earlier, my DS and I went on our "streak" and I had decided we would go exploring while we walked. We dropped my other son off at the pig pens so he could exercise his pig then we parked the car and went from there. There is a grain elevator near the ag farm so we started at one end and walked around it, over some old railroad tracks and beside some old barns. It was cold enough we didn't have to worry about snakes. A small rabbit jumped out once and scared us but that's about all we saw. We did find some old railroad stakes, lots of bolts, some cool rocks, and some strange screws. We talked and skipped rocks and before long we had our two miles in. My other son called to tell us he was finished about the time we started to head back towards him so it worked out perfectly.

I had made some chili this afternoon for us to have this evening. My DH had bought an industrial size can of tomato sauce so the crock pot was full and still seems that way. It hit the spot and was very fulling but once again I wasn't satisfied.

That's where the 2nd round of cardio came in. I really wanted something sweet. Instead I grabbed my jacket, gloves, and hat then headed out the door. I walked and I walked and I walked. I texted Jo about my cravings just to make someone else aware of what I was thinking of doing. She helped me through it and I just walked it out. I got back home and made some coffee. I added my SF caramel so I satisfied my sweet craving without the calories. I also got some extra time by myself and some extra exercise.

That's where the 2nd blog post comes in. I avoided my food cravings. I satisfied my need with something healthy. I just wanted to share.
Author: Jilligan
•2:55 PM
I was hoping to get to this place before the end of February. It's a range I guess, not an exact place. I am out of one place and into another unfamiliar place. I am close to 60 pounds lost.

It has been slow going but that's been my fault and the girl scouts. Okay, so it's not really the fault of the girl scouts but I fell back into the old thinking of, "they only sell these once a year, what if these are discontinued before next year, I can eat one and stop, etc." Well that thinking cost me 2.6 pounds and a week of time, maybe more.

I have done a few things this week to move things along. As I get closer to my goal, I remember the things I was able to do when I was at this weight before and am excited to do them again. Some things I have done for myself include lifting weights again on a regular basis and upping my own streak requirement to at least 2 miles a day. And I made a personal goal that I have only shared with a few people. I think that, while frightening, it is actually helping me feel better. So all that being said, I really feel good overall.

I seem to be rambling so I will close up and head back to laundry. A week of temperatures in the negative have really caused the chores to stack up. The main thing being laundry.
Author: Jilligan
•10:02 PM

Today I really had a eye opening experience. A family that I have worked with for a few years found out that their mom has stage 3 cancer throughout her body. 8 children ages 19 to 3 who entered my life desperate for help continue to be faced with struggles that children shouldn't have to deal with. I have lots of thoughts about the whole situation but regardless of my feelings ultimately it is about these kids. I know that the days ahead will be tough for them but it is going to be far beyond the next few days that they will need help.

It puts my problems in perspective and really has made me feel grateful for what I have. How dare I complain about my small problems? While this blog is my therapy I will remain silent about my issues today and pray for this family and the strength they will need to survive.

Author: Jilligan
•10:03 PM

Is it possible to have a "cold" storm? Cause that's what we got. Not much snow but lots of cold. Wind chill is -20 right now. We aren't used to that here.

When we went to break the ice for the horses we noticed one was standing funny. I had thankfully taken a hat and gloves but nothing for my face. We had to walk about 1/2 a mile to try to catch the horse and check out his leg. Hopefully it is just snowpacked and causing him to limp on it. After we checked him out we had to hike back to the pickup. It was too long to be outside with nothing on my face. Except for my workout, I haven't gotten out from under the blanket and heating pad.

Aside from the weather, work has been stressful this week also. I have really tried not to let other people's action and reactions bother me but it's kind of hard. I am especially trying not to eat my way through my stress.

Thankfully I have workshops the next two days and delays because of the weather so a few days away may help me remove myself even further.

MED 2011 is going great. I am really feeling great. Today I wore jeans that had just been given to me and they were big enough I could wear my running pants underneath. Keep working everyone. Goals were meant to be reached.

Author: Jilligan
•10:14 AM
Because of the length of my workout last night and the heater being full blast in the house, I decided to put on shorts. Guess what, they were big on me. Not sure the next size would fit but it's something, isn't it? I was glad that I did because I was struggling again yesterday with cravings. Not really anything specific just wanted something.

Jo and I started back with some BFL style workouts to see if we can get a little muscle tone back before spring break swimsuits. I am so glad we did. It adds something to the streak workouts and is so worth it.

Speaking of the streak, I told TJ we were going to up our mile to two miles in honor of February. He never said if he was on board but maybe he will join me. I am loving the feeling of exercise again. I forgot about the endorphins that it provided.

Snow here and lots of cold weather. Wind chill was -19 this morning so the dreadmill and I will continue to improve our relationship. The scale and I are getting along just fine. Moving ever so close to -60 pounds.

Stay warm and drink your water hot today!