Author: Jilligan
•3:07 PM
Looking back on all my calendars and my plans, I see that I had things pretty well mapped out for a while. But the documentation is lacking because the activity stopped. Where did the time and the motivation go? Did I tackle too much? Was it too hard? Was it out of my reach? I don't know.

Already this time, I was so sore I agreed to skip a day justifying that I would just move my rest days and it would be fine. Then I had a late night with extended family. Then another excuse. So now I have missed three days in a row, only one of them should have been a rest day. Three days...where did the time go?

I will start over tonight after basketball games and school projects, baking for Christmas parties and wrapping friends gifts. Where does the time go? I don't know but I have to find it and I have to use it for myself.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Author: Jilligan
•5:51 AM
Well for two mornings I have gotten the early to rise part down. Still working on the early to bed part. Christmas Choir concert last night, a late supper with my mom, and Insanity workout all keep me up a little later than I needed to be but I enjoyed each one. My middle child always loves being in the choir in school but has never sang in the concerts. I mean, he was standing on the risers always but rarely did we see his mouth move. Last night, he actually sang, we could hear him!

My daughter is doing the Insanity workouts with me. She doesn't enjoy sports as much as the boys so it's always a struggle finding something to keep her active. She has really gotten in to the workouts though. She wanted to quit a few times but I would start counting down how much time we had left and she would join in. Sometimes I would just get her going again by yelling, "Girl Power!" I think she enjoys that we have something to do together without the guys. She started yelling for me when she saw me struggling also. It's been a good two days. Hopefully we can keep going. I don't know about her but I am so SORE. I am also running so maybe that's why I am sore. She doesn't seem to be. Of course, I have 31 years on her and some extra weight.

Diet(WOE-way of eating) was good Monday and Tuesday.

I had forgotten how much I enjoy these early mornings. Just me, my coffee, my workout, my dog, and the quiet. This is something I can continue to do for myself. However, I am going to have to get to bed early sometime or else these early rises will catch up to me.

Hope you have a great day. The road is long and the gate is narrow, hope to see you out there.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Author: Jilligan
•6:01 AM
I only know two ways to go about this, either nothing at all, which as been my approach for the last several months, or all out, compulsive. I am back to compulsive. It's one of my quirks. I have many but that's another blog entry.

Confessions: I have gained 23 pounds in my time off. My joints hurt constantly. My sleep is erratic. My moods are extreme. My health is poor. My diet is that of a phone commercial, limited during the week but when the weekends get it, it's all free. Stress has ruled my life for months. Kids, money, job, did I mention the kids? But these are all excuses. I have chosen poorly when deciding to deal with my stress. No, I don't have it as bad as others but I am dealing with some stuff I wish I wasn't. My kids are dealing with things I wish they weren't having to deal with. I could go on and on.

Regardless, I have been working on a plan for a few days. That's my compulsive nature. I like to I don't always start those plans and I don't always stick to them but man oh man, when I do, I am spot on.

I think I will stick to a plan for a while. I don't like where I am. I know the weight by itself isn't what is making me unhappy but I know it hurts to use my body, mentally and physically, as a coping mechanism for life. Now, some might say this plan of mine is the opposite extreme. Well, I can either make time to regain my health or I can continue to make time to lose it. Which extreme would you like me to go to? I only know two ways.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Author: Jilligan
•6:07 AM

Another day done. Last night's workout was brutal. A migraine for two days and poor nutritional choices left me with little energy and lots of joint pain. Somehow I dug deep and made it through. I also recommitted myself to morning workouts.
Thankfully I woke up this morning migraine free. Still have a little food hangover, more stomach than head, but that will pass.

I am having to rely on ice or ice baths a lot. And I love them. I forgot to turn the real light on in the garage when I got in the tub this morning so I am sitting in the dark, listening to the sounds of the morning, blogging, and reflecting. Eerily peaceful. Great start to the day.

Check mark for the day.

Author: Jilligan
•11:50 PM
Tonight DH and I made some time for ourselves. Usually our kids are running off in all directions and dragging us with them but not tonight. We made the oldest hang around to take the middle one to practice and also watch the youngest. We loaded up the bikes and went to ride a course my husband has been wanting to try. I ride a lot slower than he does but I want to get faster. Tonight was only my second time clipped in.

We got to the park and started to unload the bikes when DH noticed his cousins were right beside us. After chatting a little, we headed off. We rode up our first hill and got a glimpse of the windmill museum.

It was right before this photo op that we had to cross a big road. Of course i crashed. I was trying to re-clip and just went tumbling over to my clipped in side. I couldn't get out of the clip so i couldn't catch myself. My elbow and wrist took the blunt of the fall and my hip got in on the action as well. Nothing to do but keep going so off we went.

We rode by a small pond and I was passed by lots of cyclists. It was at this point I told my husband to ride on and we could meet up at the end of the next serious of small hills.

I ended up stopping on the other side of this pond (or lake). He rode around another time while I waited in the shade and drank my water. Then off we went again. Back around to pass the car and out the other side of the park. I only got in 7 miles but pretty good for my 2nd time on this bike.

The cousins were still there playing frisbee golf so DH went off with them and I came home to stretch and ice. I took another ice bath and iced my wrist. Hope I can get out of bed tomorrow.

Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Author: Jilligan
•9:58 AM

20 year class reunion time. Not sure how I feel about that.

On another note, I have had a great week so far. I kept me sister's kids for a few days and tried to cram pack our days full of activities so I could still get my calorie burn in. I really enjoyed it.

Got my workout in this morning, thank goodness because my mom is making french toast!

Author: Jilligan
•6:52 AM
Another P90X workout done. Another run in. Sitting on the porch drinking coffee with my husband. Come on weekend. We got this. Tomorrow marks 7 days of P90X. Only 80(technically 81) to go.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Author: Jilligan
•6:50 AM

Author: Jilligan
•7:40 AM

Author: Jilligan
•7:37 AM

Just finished another early morning workout, sitting on the porch now drinking coffee and updating the blog. Friday was the official start of my vacation. This year I took two weeks off all together. I have a strict workout plan in place for the next few weeks and wanted to use this time to jump start it. So far, so good.

I have a couple big things coming up in the next few weeks and I totally slacked off getting ready for them. 20 year high school reunion and my brother's wedding.  My weight is up and my body is soft.  Not sure what I can accomplish this late into it but I am going to give it my all.

Now before anyone starts lecturing, I am not doing this for these two events. I am doing it for me, for my life. I lost site of myself and will have to work to put myself first again. It's an ongoing battle, a reoccurring theme to this blog. I can't conquer it but I can sure fight it.

Where were you this morning when I was working out?

Author: Jilligan
•2:56 PM

Okay so maybe not all but all in my family. We got a family membership to a gym here in town. It really gives you access to 4 gyms in town. One has a pool, indoor and outdoor. One has a trampoline city and ropes course. Another is for women only and the last one is 24 hours. We have been everyday except for yesterday. We had bad weather and baseball yesterday.

The kids love it and have tried everything. My daughter and I ran in the media room which had a huge movie screen with Netflix available. We have jumped on the trampolines, done the ropes course over and over, and we swam. One is close to our church so we took "play" clothes Sunday and spent the day until time to go back to church that night.

It's expensive but I recently read if you don't make time for your health you eventually make time for sickness. I think that could be said for the expense also. If you don't spend the money to get healthy, you may spend the money trying to get well.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Author: Jilligan
•7:29 PM

I have another interview this next week. I am praying that God will show me an open door.

Author: Jilligan
•8:45 AM

My sister introduced me to Dr. Max several years ago. It's become part of any trip to Houston. Someone is going to get an adjustment, acupuncture, or pt. When I hurt my elbow this week doing pushups, it was a given. I could bum a ride with baby sister who was going to Houston so I could see Dr. Max.

Chiropractors are a wonderful part of a healthy treatment plan. Adjustments, manipulation, acupuncture are a few of my favorite things.  And I am glad my sister is willing to share her friends. Guess when she reads this she will know I benefit from vacation not only by seeing her family but by doing something for myself also.

Author: Jilligan
•6:37 AM

Ever notice how 5:00 is so close to 4:00?  I am so thankful my kids can pretty much take care of themselves. I made them supper, quesadillas count, right? Then got in bed at 8:30 and read until 9:00. It was easy to put the book down, check to make sure my 8 year old was in bed, and then dose off. Sleep came easy since I have been getting up early the past few days and I have not allowed myself to nod off at any point in the day.

I am thankful to have my support in place as I get myself back together.

Today I will try to remember that anyone can start something but those that continue that are amazing.

Author: Jilligan
•6:36 AM

A running professional, not to be confused with professional runner,  might be wearing compression under their slacks.

My legs are angry with my decision to leave my treadmill inclined at 3.

Author: Jilligan
•8:43 AM
Last week I had a job interview.  I thought I nailed it.  As a matter of fact, the person interviewing me caught me in the parking lot after and told me I had done a great job and the committee was really impressed with me.  There was no doubt in my mind I would get the job.  It seems our family has a superiority complex so I had no doubt I was better than anyone else.  Yes, I realize that's ridiculous.  But stay with me.  You can imagine my shock and disappointment the next day when I got the call saying while I was the more qualified and the best interview, they were going with someone else.  Someone who wasn't smarter than me, who wasn't more qualified than me, who wasn't the better choice but someone who got the job instead of me.  I have been dealing with this all week and it isn't fun. But alas and alack, I move on. 

During that interview they asked me what my friends would say about me if asked.  Not my professional references, not even my personal references, but my friends.  I thought about that long and hard.  I...don't...have...any...friends...Sure there is my husband, my sisters, my mom, maybe my aunt but does family count as friends?  I don't even think I am a friend to myself.  So further self reflection.

Can things be friends?  In a strange way yes.  But what would these friends say about me?  First my blog.  It's still here.  It isn't going anywhere.  It has been there through the good times and the bad.  It has helped me to celebrate success and to cope with disappointment.  But I have neglected it lately.  So what does it say about me?  What about my treadmill?  It was dusty and folded up.  Unplugged and unused for months.  I got back on my treadmill yesterday.  The weight it had stored as mine was a lie.  The distances were long and the time moved slowly.  It deceived me by setting itself at a 3 incline.  No sound would come out of it's speakers.  It was still there whether I needed or wanted to use it.  The exercise it provided me was therapy.  I have visited my treadmill for over an hour two days now.  I plan to continue.  What about my diet?  I use food as a comfort no question about it.  I use it for sorrow and for joy, for pain and for happiness, for anger, resentment, pleasure, or deceit.  But food as also helped me.  I was using food appropriately for a long time but I had slipped back into my old ways.  I thought if I ate correctly in public, no one would see how I ate in private.  My pants got tighter and my scale went higher.  I still thought I was tricking everyone.  I was the only one who could see.  But my diet was my friend and would not lie for me or help me deceive anymore.  I am back on the right path regarding food.  I know there will be detours along the way but I have my map in hand again. 

Man, I have a lot of issues.  I really am working on them.  Maybe I will find some more friends along the way.
Author: Jilligan
•7:19 AM

I didn't eat through my emotional pain yesterday. I feel better today. Please continue to pray for my family. To tell our story may help other families but my family might be hurt in the process. I am working on the story. My family is healing and telling the story is part of the healing process.

Author: Jilligan
•6:45 AM

Just when you think you are doing good in life, the devil is there to knock you down. Personal issues, need prayers and support. Will explain later just need quick relief and the extra power of prayer.

Author: Jilligan
•9:58 PM

Boy are my arms sore and I love it. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed lifting weights. Trying to get out of the sugar also. I know what I did the past year and half worked for me but it wasn't working anymore. My body craves something with more physical requirements. My old WOE wasn't allowing me to be active enough. Don't get me wrong. I trained for a marathon on it but it wasn't the best thing and it wasn't easy. So I have added weight training, I am adding foods back into my WOE, and I am trying to give up sugar.

Like I said yesterday, I will never reach a finish line. I am trying to remind myself that everyday is a struggle for progress not perfection.

This morning I was ready for anything. Despite running late, I felt good about the day. Two hours into a meeting where a woman read a 27 page document that hasn't changed in the last 5 years that I have worked with the program, I lost my spirit. I grew angry, agitated, and misused. I played nice but as I was leaving I tried to feel those feelings. I gave them attention. I tended to the feelings. It was lunch time and although I was still feeling upset I didn't eat to soothe that feeling. As another person joined our lunch with a bitterness that is constant I didn't eat for those feelings also. Those were her emotions and they have nothing to do with me. Tonight was board meeting night, which is usually stressful also. Tonight I was quiet and listened to my feelings. I came away feeling much better then I have in awhile.

I have a long way to go but today was progress.

Author: Jilligan
•11:38 PM
I have been meaning to get back here for awhile.  I didn't realize it had been 4 months since I last posted.  Where have I been?  Well, my husband got a new job, my daughter changed schools, we moved to a new town, the boys changed schools, we bought a house, stock shows, basketball, baseball, track, and work.  New routines, new people, new places, new church, new friends, and 100 other things have filled my time.  I haven't been running.  I have been lifting boxes, mucking pens, unpacking, and trying to adjust.  My diet has been okay, not great but holding steady.  My body has changed some and doesn't feel or look as good as last summer but I am okay (not really) with that.  I am reading a new book that "Life of L" suggested and really like it.  JoJo and I started or are trying to start a new workout routine.  I am not willing to divulge much, maybe she will.  Several years ago we had a lot of success with BFL and it is almost identical to that.  I miss working out and really miss my muscles.  Hopefully we can keep each other accountable and be looking good in no time.  We plan to start running again in a 3-4 weeks but are really focusing on building some base muscle first. 
What else?  I realized that I was never going to be finished with my weight loss journey.  There will always be work to do.  I will never get to a place where I will be complete.  Just like a home, there will always be something that needs straigthening, something to clean up, something broken, something new, something messy, and sometimes something that is perfect.  Nothing lasts forever and I am working to accept that.  I lost a bunch of weight.  I ran a marathon.  I bought another house.  And temporarily, I was happy each time but I wasn't fixed.  I was and am still broken.  I am working on that.  Self care seems to be the answer and I want to make this blog part of that care again.
So today, there are healthy foods in the house, my kids are well, my dishes are clean, I got my workout in, I ate clean, I read, I blogged, and I prayed.  Today was good.  Tomorrow is it's own day.