Author: Jilligan
•6:20 AM
I have two very hard jobs in my life. Both are rewarding at times but most of the time these jobs are difficult. Most of the time my blog is about my job of dieting but today it will be about another job, parenting.

As of tomorrow, we will have a 15 year old son. When he was a baby, it was just us. The three of us against everything, but really it was just me and my son. My DH worked long hard hours so most of the time it was just the boy and me. I was still in college so we drove back and forth to school. He would always want his hand held, even while I was driving. He would say, "Tighter, Momma, tighter. Squeeze tight, Momma!" He would sit in my lap and let me read to him but very early on he learned to memorize books so he would take over the "reading" as soon as he could. He was a funny child and could make us all laugh. For a while in his life, he was the only child around so lots of people gave him their undivided attention. My uncle trained his eyes to help him with hand eye coordination. This same uncle had him walking by 6 months. His first sentence was, "I want to wope steers." But most of the time all he was concerned were balls. You could hear him all over the house saying, "Abba bbabee babba BALL." My grandad built him a contraption in the back of their furniture store so he could become a better ball player. He taped a box on the floor and hug a ball from the rafters. They played all day long. My grandparents and my aunt and uncle took care of my son while I went to college. It was a wonderful set up and I believe it helped my grandad fight off Alzheimer's for a few more years.

Things aren't that simple anymore. He is growing up and has to make a lot of decisions on his own now. He doesn't want me to hold his hand anymore. He doesn't want to be squeezed tighter. He doesn't want my uncle helping him to walk. It is hard to let go and daily we are faced with the challenge and wonder, hoping we have taught him enough to make the best decision. It's all about choices these days. But the consequences of these choices aren't being weighed until it's too late. I know we have to let him grow up and do things for himself but it is so hard. Sometimes more than others. Yesterday afternoon was one of those times. I want my funny, happy child who enjoyed life. I am not wanting him to feel the pressure he felt when he was younger to make everyone happy but want him to do what is right. I want him to be happy again.

Today we are going to XC. A sport he could excel at if he only believed in himself. His talent is wasted on so many levels. I don't know how to get him to see how good he is at everything he does. I don't know how to build his self esteem. I don't know how to improve his self worth. So it's hard and it weighs heavy on my mind and soul. My prayers are always surrounding this child as he grows into a man. I hope it isn't my fault. I hope I won't "ruin" my other kids. I hope I can see success in this job of parenting.

This morning I am feeling very blue. I am feeling very inadequate. I am feeling very distraught. I hope that we will all come out on top and some day will all be happy again.
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